Bereavement and Adoption

 Hey There.

So as many of you are reading this, you may be unaware that I've taken a 2-year break from this blog. This was something I LOVED doing. However, a series of events in my life happened that quite frankly left me in a heavy depression which I am only just now starting to recover from. 

The first event was an uncle of mine passing away the day before my birthday in 2018. I was kind of expecting this one as he had been ill for a while. Then a friend of mine sadly committed suicide which always breaks my heart and I wish I could have done more to help him. I feel so silly for not picking up all the signs but the best thing I can do is educate myself more and although I have experienced less intense feelings than this, ever since Shannon passed away, I have been so much more aware of what he was going through. I hate that he went through that alone but my mission is to spread awareness and what you can do to help people.

The final event happened nearly a year ago. On the 29th December 2019, my dear sister Shannon passed away at the age of 23. Now anyone who knows my sister and I well enough will know that although we did not always get along, we were always there for each other and we went through a lot together as children. She was my rock and all I had at the time. For me, I have not only lost my sister but I've lost the person who understood exactly how I felt and why.

I have so many fond memories of us; our races up and down the lane which would inevitably end up with you in the hedge somehow, the boat rides on the canal with my aunt and uncle, planning our weddings on the way to holidays as a kid and the unforgettable event when you fell into the copious brambles on the barge. I'd always be showing off because I'd always win and when you were going to win sometimes you'd let me win because I'd get stroppy. 

The worst part about it is I find myself getting inexplicably jealous of those who have their siblings and have amazing relationships. I was looking at Christmas cards the other day and one of them said sister and even that made me super sad knowing that I'm not going to get some weird gift off her. I find myself getting angry for the smallest reasons. Every day, I wish that it had been me and not her because then my niece would have her mummy but it was that type of thinking that got me into this mess in the first place so let's move swiftly on.

Since, this tragic event, it has made me realise how short and precious life truly is. Most importantly, I would like to thank everyone who has reached out to me. I'm sorry if I never replied but I do appreciate it more than you know and I think I have been slowly reaching out to you all.

I wanted to share a few things that have helped me slowly get to terms with this (but by no means am I repaired):

1. Ensure you have a good support system including someone you can ring when things get really though. I have an amazing friend called Jaymz who has been there for me so so much and I cannot thank him enough especially when he has had his own stuff to deal with. Every New Year's I spend it with my best friend, Keavey and I wasn't feeling it. But she made me go and although it was hard it took my mind off things and her family were so lovely to me. You know I appreciate you and the lads!

2. I started following the mindset and motivation tags on Instagram as I have been struggling so much with my positivity. It got to the point that I was saying to my friends that I think I'm cursed because everyone around me dies etc. Positive affirmations are a great way to trick your brain into believing that you can do it because you are saying that you can!

3. Talk to people. That was one mistake I made. Because I thought people were getting fed up of me being sad, I just kept everything inside and didn't speak to anyone about anything. I don't know whether it was because I knew I'd cry by this leads on to my next point.

4. Crying is healthy!! Get it all out and I promise you will feel 100 times better afterwards.

5. Exercise has helped me hugely as when I am working out my brain isn't wandering around allowed to do what it wants. It also released endorphins which are supposed to make you feel happier.

6. Give yourself time. Do not let other people dictate how you feel. I was living at uni at the time and I felt like such a burden. 

OUR BACK GROUND AND HOW IT CAN AFFECT PEOPLE

For those of you who don't know me, I got adopted when I was 5 years old. Adoption is one of those subjects that doesn't really get spoken about much and there is so much that people do not know about the subject. It is something I am hugely passionate about. 

One of the main things I want to bring to light is the fact that there is this false idea when you are growing up that every person has family and when you find yours, you will have this special reunion that's amazing when in most cases it isn't like that. 

In my instance, my sister had reached out to my birth mother so she reached out to me. At first, it felt great but as more and more time passed, she couldn't answer any of my questions about things that happened when I was younger. Not long ago, she popped up to me randomly asking me to buy things off her. I put my foot down and told her that she can't keep coming into my life as and when she pleases because it's playing with my emotions. I've never felt prouder in my life and I never thought that I would be able to do something like that.  

Another thing people overlook in adoptees is the connection with the primary caregiver. When you are a child, you bond with whoever looks after you. In my instance, (from what I know) it was a neglectful environment. Therefore when I cried, I wouldn't necessarily get a response from birth mum. When the baby/child gets taken away, it is hugely traumatic for a child to be taken away from their mum especially when they don't understand what is going on.   

 This has affected my relationships later on in life because I was so desperate for someone to love me and be my friend that I would let myself be treated like a doormat. More provision needs to be made to cope with the emotional trauma of being taken away. This is a horrible experience to come to terms with and as I'm writing this, I'm not healed but I'm making progress. Because of this emotional trauma, it took me years to be able to make friends and I find it very hard to fully trust people. 

You're constantly reminded about it. When I went to apply for my passport, they initially refused because I ticked that I had had a different name and they did not believe me until Mum explained. Whenever I have to go to the doctors, one of the most as questions is "Any medical problems in the family?" and I have to explain that I do not know. It makes you feel unwanted and unloved all over again and it is nothing to do with my parents because I am so so grateful that they gave us both a better life. 

I read some where that someone had described being adopted as "having lots of blank pages in the first chapter of your book of life" and I couldn't agree more. I remember getting upset at school when we would be asked to do family trees because the teachers would make a point that I couldn't do that. 

People will wonder why I'm posting something so so personal but to me, if it helps just one person feel like they aren't alone and can reach out to me, then my job is done. 

It's been a long and a tough journey but I am getting there and I will never stop fighting. I have to live life to the fullest and not take anything for granted.

Anyways, enough rambling from me for now. Thankyou for making it this far!